Yellow corner
November 21, 2009
-
19
I don’t know why people are born and die. I’m sad now my great grand mom is gone, forever. Never again will I see her face, her sitting by the door, and make pieces of talk with her.
November 15, 2009
-
18
This secret is killing me but I gotta swallow it, I gotta forget about it, I’m not my old me to make such a change, and I won’t do it, I won’t follow that voice, it’s not a right thing to do, and it won’t never work out.
Whenever I’m at the edge of losing myself, I always have the guts to give it away. I really wanna get rid of it. But the last minute before the contraction is signed, I change my mind and make a hard turnaround.
I’m just one person who has a heart, now this heart has become a traitor. This moment is so difficult, so obsessive, and sad. I will get over it. Period.
November 13, 2009
-
17
I’m neither in need of venting off or letting ins out or nothing. Just wanna drop a word. It’s strange that whilst I’m exciting about the trip, it’s not gonna turn into a combustion, something really strong, making one jump crazy up high. This feeling, merely mellow, does feel like a bar of sugar into a cup of real bitter coffee, like a no-colour ice cube into a glass of damn hot water. Finally I got a chance to be elsewhere, for a while, for the first time of my life, to be fucking far from home. So vague, strength of words is deprived, even lost.
On one hand, I don’t push myself to think of it as a BD, ’cos it’s not, but on the other hand, worries encircle me, surround me, and also secretly excite me. Beams of light bind together on an autumn night, the flash of which waves back the calm. It’s my break that I’m talking about.
The melancholy melody of Pilot speed’s Alright I don’t know from which stage of hell just rushes back floating so beautifully in my mind. I will be a triffle missing my days my nights my midnights when under another roof another sky. ’Cos I know home is what all songs are about, and where all hearts belong.
October 17, 2009
-
16
What makes me happy? What makes me happy? What makes me happy? What makes me happy? What makes me happy? What makes me happy? What makes me happy? What makes me happy?
I think I have problems dealing with people.
No excitement.
No ecstasy.
Life is so fucking flat. Especially when you’re sick.
“Everybody sucks.” (I wrote this down when I was in the middle of a class several weeks ago)
I wish I could draw. If I could, I would vent out my anger when drawing. But what kind of anger? What exactly is wrong with me? Why am I bothered so much by bullshits? I used to sound this way: I don’t give a shit.
They’re all annoying tiny insects. In a bowl. Feeding on a dead rat. Which was bleeding to death.
October 15, 2009
-
15
It’s raining outside. “The rain came down. The rain came down. The rain came down on me.”
I’m dizzy. My eyes swell hard. It’s worse than walking in the rain. It’s another kind of “wet”.
September 19, 2009
-
14
I’m not the kind of people that like changes. Anyway, I change, like mom and dad do. My parents love changes. If I’m not home for some days, I will see them already move stuff. We are all a version or even a copy of our parents. That’s what I mean. I’m influenced by my parents so I change quite regularly. This is our fifth house. My dad changes more than 15 scooters and 5 cars. My mom changes jobs from a shopkeeper to a cafe owner to an artist. Everything’s moving when I’m around them. They’re always up to something, always planning something new.
I think that’s good and refreshing. They don’t change because of other people. Changing is their nature and they don’t run after anybody. They do change because they want changes. Why they want changes? They can’t bear the same things for the whole life.
If you change to be like others, your ego is stolen and you can’t even feel hurt. If you change to become somebody you are not, I mean you dress they way they do, you talk the way they do, you try to think the way they do, so on so forth, you shoot your ego a hard one. And if you don’t even care what the hell ego is, it’s cool, you don’t even have self-respect, you don’t even like yourself. Go on and imitate and change the way you are to impress the people maybe just as shit as you.
September 11, 2009
-
13
Yesterday was perfect. It marked an end of a painfully bad time. I gave an impressive presentation, as usual. :) My teacher saw what I could do and recognized my effort. Sometimes I wonder what I would be now if I were in that English class when I entered high school. Anyway, I can see the way things go for me. Zigzag. Madam Teresa once told me that everything happens for a reason. If I were meant to be someone, I would be someday.
It’s a shame I totally forgot to show up at my French class yesterday. But I remembered to go to English class in the afternoon. The new teachers are young and kind. Although they haven’t showed that they’re more energetic than Carrie, they have my heart. I did not bring any money with me since I had no idea they would forbid parking where I always park. And my classmate Duong paid it for me. Whenever I do this kind of courses, I meet nice people.
-
12
I was really upset couples of days ago. It was rainning madly. Everytime I hit the road, the rain discouraged me. I was in bad mood all the time. My puppy dog Toan died of a disease. We all thought that the vet killed him. That guy was like evil. All he wanted was money: He charged us like crazy. We needed somebody to blame Toan’s death on.
My mom misses Toan days and nights. I cried on the day he left. But now I feel alright. He’s meant to stay with us only for one month. He’s so perfect and we want him around. My other puppy dog An got sick of the same reason but he’s already got over it with the help of another vet. I think he misses his brother, too.
:(
July 2, 2009
-
11
It’s been a few days we stay silent. No contacting between the two people who used to be soul mates to each other. I don’t know what to do now. I want to call him but something stops me. I know he got his friend to hang out now. That’s a good way to forget about “us”. I miss him a lot but I don’t want to be the first one to break this ice wall set up between us. I wanna know what he is feeling right now. Maybe he does not want this relationship anymore. Everything I look at reminds me of him. But I gotta be strong. I will not call him. I will not let him know that I still care. It’s his choice. I made my choice. Staying still. Saying no words. Giving no signs. Crying no tears. If he really doesn’t need me no more, I’ll find the way to get over him. Although it hurts, I feel it deep inside my mind that I could get over him.
